Leadership..

Since childhood, I have been deemed the leader. I’m the eldest, first born daughter of four children. That implied, in my parents eyes, I’m the leader.

Outside of birthright, I never felt like the leader or understood what a leader was to be like. My parents, in good faith, I’m presuming, meant well, but did not prepare me for leadership. I was thrusted into a role and responsibilities, because that’s just the way it was to be.

I failed miserably as the leader. I did not have support from my parents when I was not able to harness leadership over my very unruly siblings. I was severely punished for not getting something correct the first time, and shamed when asking for guidance or help.

I learned from that experience that a “leader” never asks, they just know. And since I’m a leader, I better know and know it fast.

I have been placed in many leadership roles in school, work, and even in my friendship groups. Particularly, in my friendship circles, I would be the main person that kept the relationship going. I would lead in planning events, trips, and social activities. Or, as it felt, I would be the person that would be there when someone needed. In my working professions I was on adding on leadership responsibilities to gain experience. I was continually told that I am a leader and should become more comfortable in that.

I didn’t realize until recently that I am NOT the leader at all. I do have is the gift of leadership, Having the gift doesn’t mean you are the leader, and you can relax in being your more authentic self.

When that was presented to me, my feelings were hurt. More deeply, my ego was bruised. My entire life identity up until that point, I believed that I was a leader and when things looked like it needed a leader, or feeling like you have to be the one that says, “I’ll Do It!”

Today, I can say, almost proudly, that I am NOT the leader. And, I feel free. I’m working through my ego deaths and maybe even an identity crisis.. not sure yet lol. But what I do know is that laying that part of what I believed I was or had to be, my soul seems lighter.